i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
