Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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