Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
