She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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