Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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