So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
