Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
