he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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