He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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