When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
