at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
