I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
