Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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