I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
no, he came in my armpit
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
