my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
