I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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