I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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