Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
