Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
