you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize