life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
