Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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