How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize