Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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