i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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