dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
