I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
