mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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