So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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