it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
