Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
