Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
