My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
