All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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