just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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