He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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