WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
