Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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