david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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