Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
worst night to have a conscience
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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