On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
and you fell through a lawn chair
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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