Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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