I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
