Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
