I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this boner is exhausting
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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