Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
