I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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