I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize