I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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