If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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