Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize