she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
