I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
