I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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