Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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