Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
