Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love having hate sex.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
soo... how was my night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
