Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
