I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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