i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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