you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
