dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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