he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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