mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
