My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
