i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
