where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
