How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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