At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
